24 Apr 1995 - How I found the N.S.F
How I found the N.S.F
In April 1981, I suffered a “nervous breakdown” and was very seriously ill in bed for two weeks. I have only vague memories of all the drama that took place at this time, except for an intense belief that my Mother had died and my family were trying to keep it from me.
In fact they were trying to prevent my mother from coming to see me in this dreadful state. However, I opened my eyes one day to find her sitting by my bed and from then I began to return to normality.
In June my husband told me that he had refused to allow me to be taken into hospital but had agreed for me to see a psychiatrist. I could not imagine why this could be – I had no idea that a nervous breakdown was just a euphemism for “Mental Illness”.
The next five years were the worst time of my life, with a husband and four sons, aged 16 to 5 years, plus a dog and two sets of ageing parents living away in Sheffield, life was very demanding. Sometimes for days on end, I couldn’t even emerge from the duvet and much to my husband’s disgust; I would still be there when he came home from work. I couldn’t begin to describe how I felt and didn’t know where to turn for help. An emergency hysterectomy in August 1984 heralded another breakdown in January 1985.
With our two eldest sons away at University, I somehow struggled through the year bewildered and isolated until, January 1986, I took an overdose of Ativan and was admitted to ward A44 at the Queens medical Centre Nottingham. This ward and the day hospital were to be my home for seven months. I had twelve lots of E.C.T and various drug trials before I started on Lithium in June. It was at my eldest son’s degree ceremony that month I wore a size 12 suit – by September , I was struggling into a size 16 and now I am a size 20! The weight increase side effect was obvious but Lithium keeps me stable.
I was discharged at the end of July, into my husband’s care, to go on holiday and had a wonderful month touring Northumberland, Scotland (including the Isle of Skye) and the Lake District, staying at Youth Hostels and camping in our 6 berth luxury frame tent. For the first time in six years the word enjoyment became meaningful again.
Sometime after this, being an official “user”, I received an invitation to join a support group. My husband was not all in favour – he thought that the last thing that I needed was to mix with people with mental health problems! At the time I was fulltime child minding a little girl who’s Mum had Parkinson’s enabling her to carry on teaching as long as she could. The trust she placed in me to care for her daughter had a wonderful effect on my self esteem, and we applied to be respite cares for a disabled child.
At last my life was beginning to show some possibility to use my teaching skills again, but we were turned down because of my psychiatric record.
This blow and various other life crises, like my parents’ illness and death ect, triggered serious mood swings and I spent short spells in hospital or under the duvet at home. However, during this time I saw an advert for people to train as volunteers for another group to be started in West Bridgford. I applied and was accepted, did my six weeks training, and was asked to help at Tuesday Friends.
How wrong my husband was – it was like a breath of fresh air to be with people who had suffered the same frightening experiences – I was no longer a freak but a survivor, determined to do all that I can to improve the lives of those who have to endure this illness and to help other to understand that we are real people – to take away the stigma.
A dear friend of mine asked me one day if I knew anything about the National Schizophrenia Fellowship as she has a son who had been ill for many years and wouldn’t see a doctor. I told her one of our volunteers was a member and she invited us to come along one evening and here we met many caring people who gave us a great welcome.
Although I am diagnosed manic depressive, I felt there was much that I could gain from N.S.F and I hope, much that I can give.